I stepped out of the office to grab lunch today and thought to myself, "Self," I thought, "I should go to Quizno's and get a toasted sub. I haven't been there in a couple years, and there's a new one right down the street. It's Friday, so they'll probably have clam chowder. Quizno's it is, then. Let's go, self!"
As soon as I got out onto the street, though, I was assaulted by the sight of a giant Quizno's cup walking down the sidewalk. He was waving at all the passing buses and doing that ridiculous dance where you jab your arms out to the side while shaking your ass around, like some giant inflated Packers fan jiggling his belly at the thought of a nice wedge of cheese during halftime.
So I got a burrito instead.
Cause when it comes right down to it, I refuse to eat food peddled to me by:
Here's an idea for the Pope: market the whole communion wafer thing as the "Stop Burning" patch.
Tired of fretting about spending the rest of eternity tormented by the searing hellfires of the Underworld? Have your sinning ways cost you your job, your marriage, or your parole? Try the Stop Burning patch today, and watch your troubles fade away! Just place the patch on your tongue, follow with a chalice of cheap wine, and you're on your way to the Eternal Hereafter (tithe not included). Now available in grape! (Offer not available for homos, Jews, witches, or free thinkers.)